You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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