Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize