The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
