Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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