No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
3 2 1 whiskey
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
