Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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