the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
