Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize