y did u give ur computer a hand job?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
