and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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