For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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