you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
