Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
