I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
