She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
