I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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