Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize