I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
being pregnant is like rehab
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
