i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
