genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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