my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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