This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
