There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
