I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
