Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
