I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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