my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
