I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
