we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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