Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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