theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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