I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
