plz talk dirty to me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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