time to smoke my breakfast
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
