I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
