WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
