Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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