my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
