Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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