ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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