Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
