I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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