if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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