I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
