She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize