im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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