We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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