Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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