There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
