I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
