Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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