Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
