cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
