I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
