The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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