No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize