he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
