I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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