pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
