Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
