Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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