shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
