I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
