that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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