my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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