ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
