Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
