I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize