Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
