pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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