come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
where are my eyebrows?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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