who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
